Housewife or Spy?

Those old Facebook questionnaires always needed a little spiffing up

Nine or ten years ago, when socializing on Facebook was fun, it was popular to circulate long, pointless questionnaires among your friend list. For the most part, I ignored these posts — if I didn’t care whether I preferred Coke or Pepsi, I doubted anybody else did. Sometimes, though, I’d participate. About halfway through, I’d get bored and start making up better answers, and I was just along for the ride because I never quite knew where it would end up.

Facebook showed me this post from 2015. It made me laugh, and this is my blog, so here it is.

Girl’s fess up challenge:¹

~Bath or shower? This is a weird question to start out with. Is it just to confirm that I do, in fact, wash myself in some way?

~Straight or curly hair? Irregularly wavy. The best hair-care decision I ever made was to move out of Mississippi humidity.

~Favorite movie? How about *a* favorite movie? The Incredibles, because they blended superheroes saving the world and suburban family life.

~Favorite holiday? Christmas.

~Android or iPhone? Android

~Texting or call? Text. I’ll answer the phone if I know you're engaged, had a baby, or died within the past six months.

~Facebook or twitter? Facebook. Twitter is like this big loud party that I accidentally got invited to.

~Favorite type of food? Spaghetti.

~Dream job? Novelist. On a train.

~Favorite pizza? Pepperoni.

~Favorite cake? Um, is there a point to...?

~Talking or fighting? Why do you need to know...?

~Night or day? Now I'm getting suspicious. You're stalking me, aren't you?

~Summer or winter? The code words! You know my secret!

~Wine or whiskey? It was neither, it was in the beer, and not enough to kill him. I don't know how he ended up in the alley, but I think it was a double-cross situation.

~Makeup or no makeup? Oh, you think you're funny, don't you? Obviously it depends on the mission I'm on.

~Favorite TV show? I think some of these are just to throw me off. You should know I don't watch TV. It's in my file.

~Hair up or down? It's short. It just... is. My hair is a state of being.

~Jeans or leggings? Nice try. You know only senior-ranking agents wear jeans and you're trying to figure out my seniority. Clever, but not clever enough.

~Painted or non-painted nails? Tech tried to supply me with GPS-embedded polish every now and then, but I can't apply it properly so they gave up.

~Favorite color? My spy team colors keep changing depending on the loyalties of my leader. Currently we're in a chartreuse phase. The GPS nail polish is horrid.

~T-shirt or dress shirt? With my jeans? Or is it leggings? Haha, I won't tell!

~Flip flops or sneakers? I'm a spy. I wear stilettos, duh.

~Big purse or small? Small. Vials of sleeping drugs aren't big. But it was in his beer and it wasn't supposed to kill him!

~How many tattoos? Just the one mentioned in my file. It was supposed to be a joke but HQ doesn't think it's funny.

~How many piercings? Two. GPS earrings work better than nail polish, except I fiddle with them and tend to lose the signal.

~Diamonds or pearls? Rubies. Much more worth the risk of breaking into the safe. Wait, what was the question?

~Favorite animal? I already told you, the tattoo was supposed to be a joke. Can we drop it?

~Rap or country music? Easier to embed messages in rap. For a while, HQ got my reports and thought all I did was hang out at bars, wear tight shorts, and make out in trucks. THAT was a fun employee review.

~Sports or couch? Wait. You're just asking what I prefer from all these choices? Not implying anything else? Oh dang it. I'll be getting a call from HQ over this.

Good thing I don't answer calls.

1. I assume this is supposed to read “Girls’ ’Fess-Up Challenge,” which I admit is a pain to format correctly. But we could double-check the plural-apostrophe, right?